Saturday, February 13, 2010

Get A Clue

Happy Valentine's Day Eve, world! I'm not going to dedicate this post to love stories, romantic proposals, or any of that jazz. Instead I want to expose those who have no clue about dating.

Unfortunately, over the years, I've had a lot of rough dates. Dates where I sat thinking, "Eating an entire head of raw garlic would be more entertaining than this." I decided to share a few with you.

Once, a guy came to pick me up for our first date on a rainy Fall day. I sat on the couch awaiting the doorbell to ring, when instead, my roomie approached me to relay a message.

"Hey, Philip just called. He's outside in his car. He doesn't want to come to the door because it's raining and he doesn't want to mess up his hair."

It gets better. He took me to a fancy restaurant, threw down three glasses of wine within the first 30 minutes of our date, answered a phone call (from a girl) at the table, and then wrapped up the evening early by telling me that he probably won't ask me out again because he knows that I'm a "good girl". Did I mention that he was the one that asked me out? Or that he did ask me out again after that date? Yeah.

Here's another. When I was 21, I met a guy named Mike at a party. He asked me out for the following week, which I was pretty excited about. You have to understand that although I was 21, because of a strict upbringing, I hadn't been on a lot of dates. I had just moved out of my parents' home, and was just starting to delve into the dating world.

Mike picked me up for the date, which entailed getting dinner and going to a comedy club in Detroit. On the way to dinner, he said he had to stop at an ATM to get some cash. Well, the ATM machine "didn't work", so we tried another bank. He went to the second ATM while I waited patiently in the car. He came back after a few minutes, looked at me in embarrasment and said, "Sorry, I don't know what's wrong with these banks..."

Ready for this?

"...Why don't we just go back to your place and make out?"

Let's just say we never went out again.

Now I want to hear about your worst date! Post a comment and let me hear it...


One thing that makes my mom so entertaining is her funny way of pronouncing things. Case in point: My sister was 8 months pregnant with her first son, and my mom noticed some changes in her physique. "Sandy habeebti (sweetheart) you look like Bonny Tarrrrterrr." We all were confused. "You know, Bonny Tarrrterrr!" Still, no clue. "She's the one with the big bizzaz." (I'm pretty sure you non-Arabic speakers can figure that one out.) We finally realized that my ma was saying Dolly Parton. "Oh yeah, Dolly Barrrton.


Leo said...

the bottom story

rachelllynn said...

we call dolly parton bonny tarter around here some times, in honor of your mom of course.

my worst date ever, was probably the time i got mugged while on a date, the guy i was with wasn't so tough when surrounded by a bunch of dudes. i somehow negotiated with them to accept a 20 dollar bill from me to leave us alone. but th worst part was that date dude wanted to make out once we got back to the car, we never went out again.

Janice said...

rachell, that's insane!!! what's up these dudes. tell gus that he ever wanted to make out with you after getting mugged, i'll disown him as a cousin!

and leo, thanks for reminding me of that one. i would have punched your buddie's girlfriend if i were you!

Elizabeth Downie said...

I went on a date once where the guy seemed mad at me from the start. About half way through the date, he told me that he'd heard that I didn't want to go out with him. He spent the rest of the horrible date hardly talking and eating as slowly as possible.


Katherine said...

I can't believe how big Bonny Tarter's "bizzaz" are in that photo! Yeesh! Did she have ribs removed? It seems like I remember hearing that.

I went on a date once to IKEA, and I think he wanted to impress me with the fact that he was shopping for stuff for his new house. We realized early on that our design tastes were completely different, and, as we are both artists, weren't bound to change, so the rest of the date was spent knowing we'd never go out again but not wanting to say it. (Is that a weird reason for not going on a second date? It's true, though! I have some very serious design ideas for my future home!) Plus he was leaving straight from our date to drive back to his parents' place because his grandma was dying, so there was that pall over the evening. Good times. (At least he didn't want to make out before starting his long drive.)

Katherine said...

I should have mentioned that while reading/commenting on your blog post I have been eating hummus made from your recipe! Delicious! But not as good as if YOU'D been the one who made it. It lacks that Janice touch!

Coby said...

you probably just said "why now?"

Anonymous said...


Sara Ann said...

Heeyyy! I love that you have a blog because you are funny! One time I went out with a guy I met at a YSA dance, we went bowling, the cops showed up to arrest him. Apparently he was violating a restraining order against his ex wife by being there...yikes. And once a guy asked me out, told me to pick the restaurant and then proceeded to look at the menu and asked if I would mind paying for myself. I said "sure" then I ordered a diet coke and ate the free bread while he sat there eating a huge meal (which he could afford since he was no longer paying for me). I think he felt stupid, good! I have more, I may have to do my own post...